Who is going to speak with Mom and Dad about driving and when is the right time to stop?
Growing up on a farm in Africa we really had a lot more flexibility with many things compared to living in a city in America. My grandfather lived with us on the farm after he had retired and it was a wonderful experience – especially because he was someone who could relate easily to my college friends and could carry on a great conversation in a knowledgeable way with diverse age groups. Into his 80’s my grandfather would go for a long brisk walk every afternoon seeing that he was a champion steeplechase and long distance runner in his younger years.
As inevitably happens, there came a time when my Mom realized that it was not safe anymore for my grandfather to be driving a car. Not only for his safety, but also for the other drivers on the road. Even if he had a car accident and came out unscathed, it was possible that the person that was in the other car could be seriously hurt or killed. Could you imagine how my amazing grandfather would feel having come through his whole life relatively unscathed, raising kids, in a war with the Allied forces, working for many years, only to, in the last few years of his life, be the cause of someone else losing their life because he caused the accident? SOMEBODY had to have a conversation with him about not driving any more. This unenviable task fell on my mom.
Losing your car in your 80’s often represents one of your final major freedoms in life being taken away. This could bring a lot of resentment and anger and my poor mom was the one who had to pay this price. I remember the day clearly still when she took his car keys away. It was not a happy time for anyone. This is the Circle of Life that we all know so well.
Well, now MY mom is in her 80’s. She came from good genes. She still drives herself on road trips and her kids and her grandchildren have discussed that if we were ever on a gameshow and had one “Call a friend” option, that my 80 something year old mom would be on speed dial. At some stage, it is inevitable for someone to have “The Talk” with my mom about her car keys. I have many friends who are all facing a similar issue now, or will face it in the next few years.
So the other day I had a discussion with my mom. “Mom, the time is not right now, but as you know it will come one of these days. How would you like us to approach this and who would you like to talk with you about it?”
She immediately disinherited me! Only kidding.
Whether it be the car keys, or helping with finances, or moving into an assisted living facility, or medical directives and what or who is in the will, these are all inevitable discussions or events. The emotional outcomes of these discussions could greatly depend on expectations and how these discussions are handled way in advance.
I once had a discussion with my son about how he was going to handle a passionate moment with a future girlfriend. The time to think about this in not in the moment, but making a conscious decision long before the event. The same thing with our parents.
So some questions we should ask ourselves:
Have I had a discussion about some of these things with my parents?
If I am a parent – Have I had a discussion with my kids?
In many cases your financial advisor could be a great resource on how to sensitively have these discussions with family members. Have I hugged my parent today, and then had one of these discussions with them?
By the way, my mom was pretty calm and level-headed about the discussion, and is still driving today. She has spoken to the people who travel with her and have given them permission to tell her if they feel nervous about her driving. She has already made a decision to not drive at night.
She did however tell me that when she was really sick and on life support, that she wanted us to pull the plug. She is going to give that task to my younger brother because as she put it “I know that he will do it”
These things are why we do what we do at College Planning America.
Contact us at davec@collegeplanningamerica.com or 714-813-1703
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