The Big College Decision dilemma

As I have observed my son go through the process of making his college choice I am reminded of a few things that parents sometimes forget. For many students this is their first BIG decision of their lives. The time will come for others [like marriage, buying a house, getting a job, having a baby], but the way we help them through this first one will often determine whether they will return to the experienced parental well of wisdom born through the many mistakes that we ourselves have made throughout our lives.

1. His choice, not mine. Although I do believe that it is important for parents to help their students through the process, in the end, we also need to give them the opportunity to make a decision that they feel comfortable with, seeing that they are the ones who will have to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives. Too many times I see parents force their students into what the parent wants, only to find out later that this was a costly or unhappy mistake.

2. Finances vs Future. This is a question that comes up often and there is no easy answer for this. Each family is different and their finances will vary, but remember that just because you can save some money by going to one school, might not always be the best decision for the student. An extra few thousand dollars in college loans might make very good sense if the opportunities at that school will pay off handsomely with financial rewards for the next 45 years of work.

3. The Process vs the Decision One of the things that we can teach our kids during this experience is how to handle the decision making process for future large and important decisions. We have the opportunity to influence and hold their hand, sometimes one last time, and teach them how to come to a well thought out decision by weighing up all the pros and cons for each option, thinking rationally through the future effect of this decision and then setting out which part of this is more important than another.

4. Helping or hurting. As parents we should perhaps ask ourselves if our actions and words are helping our student through the process or if they are possibly hurting. Sometimes parents add to the stress created in this process rather than trying to guide the student through in a calm and deliberate way. It is vital for us to understand our student’s personality and how they will communicate with us. Sometimes their silence is just a way to avoid conflict. Sometimes their loud outbursts could be a sign of panic because they really do not know what to do and are stressed out. Asking them how they feel might be a good way to start real communication.

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